Saturday, April 5, 2014

Suppose You Were an Idiot, and Suppose You Were a Member of Congress; but I Repeat Myself

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Mark Twain

Climate Change is virtually indisputable and supported nearly unanimously by climate scientists. Probably no other topic of scientific study is more universally accepted by the scientific community, except maybe the Earth revolving around the Sun. Only Totally Batshit Crazy Fucking Morons can dispute global warming. Or Republicans. Which is where Mark Twain comes in.

Two days after a United Nations report warned of increased famine, war, and poverty from unmitigated carbon emissions, the Republican-dominated House of Representatives passed a bill that would require the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) to focus less on studying climate change, and more on predicting storms.

Almost unprecedented for Republican legislation, the bill requires the federal government to actually spend money, mandating firstly that NOAA purchase paper bags, and secondly that all government scientists be required to place those paper bags over their heads when performing their official government duties.

A provision of the legislation directs NOAA to solicit the funding for said paper bags, or actual donations of bags, from one of the Koch Brothers' paper companies. Critics immediately slammed Congress for passing this bill, warning that traffic accidents are surely to increase if government scientists are required to drive to meetings and appointments with paper bags over their heads. An aide to Republican House Speaker John Boehner responded:

The House of Representatives is willing to accept a certain amount of traffic inconvenience to ensure the objectivity of government research.

In the Senate, the office of Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid responded that this legislation is simply another corporate welfare giveaway to the Koch Brothers, and is Dead on Arrival in the United States Senate.

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