Monday, March 28, 2011

Church of Kaffa

Apparently the ancient Mayans were right all along! Katrina. BP Gulf oil spill disaster. Earthquakes. Nuclear plants melting down. Newt Gingrich running for president. Birds falling out of the sky. Nuclear plants blowing up. If these aren't signs of the End Times, we sure don't know what is! So, before it's too late, we decided we'd better launch the last one true religion, the Church of Kaffa.

The Church of Kaffa follows the Prophet Kaldi, the Ethiopian goat herder, who in about the 9th Century in the ancient Kingdom of Kaffa, discovered the Tree of Life, the Coffea arabica or Coffee tree. Kaldi noticed that his goats became unusually energized after eating a certain local berry. He sampled the berry with the same effect. Excited about this miracle, he rushed to share the berries with his local Muslim holy man. The holy man was so disgusted with the berries he tossed them in a fire and stormed away.

Kaldi noticed an entrancing aroma coming from the berries in the fire, so he recovered the burnt berries and tossed them in some water, thus creating the world's first cup of coffee. True story.

While there's still time, this is your chance to get in on the ground floor of a truly significant movement. You'll have a chance to become a disciple of Kaldi. Stay tuned for details. In the meantime, every morning when you savor that first cup of Joe, bow towards the East in praise of Kaldi, the discoverer of the Tree of Life!

Of course every church needs a god, and the one we chose is Garuda, King of the Birds, and Messenger of the Gods.

Garuda is depicted as having the golden body of a strong man with a white face, red wings, and an eagle's beak and with a crown on his head. This ancient deity was said to be massive, large enough to block out the sun. Garuda is invoked as a symbol of impetuous violent force, of speed, and of martial prowess. Krishna even carries the image of Garuda on his banner. Needless to say, our god can kick your god's butt!

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